Modern Vampires. Or more specifically, and excuse the horrible overblown cliches... why they blow.
Hang on, did I get that wrong?
This blog will, for the most part separate you into two, very distinct groups: Those with ovaries and those without.
So this is inspired by the insepid 'Twilight' that currently happens to be stinking up the television as I write. Actually, its more about the awful legacy of the books and films than the actual 'product' itself... whole generations are being fed a convoluted pile of rancid Vampire misnomers. In truth, I am not sure where to begin... shall we start with the perversion of the actual myth of the Vampire itself?
Rule #1: If Vampires are exposed to direct sunlight, they don't sparkle like a My Little Pony's nutsack... they explode... like a My little Ponies nutsack stuffed full of C4 and shot with a rocket propelled grenade. Or they will at least catch fire and burn like MJ at pre show rehearsal.
The whole point of being a kick ass killing machine that never ages, never tires is that you have to have one weakness! Sparkling in sunlight like a 12 year old girls lip gloss would have given Van Helsing BIG problems! Sparkling like 12 year old boys.. not so much (according to the graffiti I read in the Whitby public toilets back in 1893).
Rule #2: Modern Vamps are douchewads. Come on girls, if a man was to get within 3 millimeters of your face and tell you 'I love watching you sleep' I'm pretty sure you'd call the cops or even hit Blade up on speed dial. I had an ex-girlfriend who it seemed every time I woke up wasn't just looking at me... she was watching me. Even if she wasn't in the house when I fell asleep! To be fair, we weren't together long and and I never got used to see her lying above me on the ceiling, grinning maniacally. It scared the shit out of me.
Back to Vamps - spying on you when you are asleep isn't romantic, its called stalking. This is after telling you he'd quite like to eat you... and not in the good way either. Humans are Vampires main source of nourishment; can you imagine telling a potato you're going to eat it, then just get jiggy with it? (Calm down you fen boys at the back - I'm not sure 'vegetable' is technically a legitimate sexual preference) Vampires were originally almost impossible to kill badasses, with genuinely frightening powers other than the ability to play baseball really well in thunderstorms.
If being pasty and having serious problems expressing how you feel is so sexy, how come me and my boys at chess club in school never got laid?*
Adam Ant - dividing 34,657,543 by 2.7 in his head.
Blades Jared Nomak: Don't crap your pants if you see a Vampire!
I blame Cedoric Diggory... had Voldemort not done him in I'm pretty sure contract obligations would have saved us all. Ironic that 'Diggory' has the face of a spade - Pattinsons face has done more to demolish the legend of the vampire than any other modern spin on the myth - and I include Tom Cruise's portrayal of the midget vampire pixie, Lestat in 'Interview with a vampire' in that. When asked what they thought of Twilight, most girls gush: 'Rpatz is sooo dreamy!' No one ever says 'I loved the juxtaposition of an ancient creature that never ages set against a society that is constantly evolving...'
Vampires should be magical, not fanciful, menacing not romancing, there has always been a carnal side to them, of course! They fornicate and drink blood - they don't smoke around in Volvos with poorly designed boots and climb trees - that's the Swedes job! Why not go the whole hog and give the guy a Prius, a roof garden and make him a tofu salesman?
I can't help but fear for the bastardation of Vampires. I worry that in a generation they'll be fully demoted to polishing Leprechauns bell-ends and giving Hobbits Tibetan nut rubs. Zombies are now so much more en vogue than Vampires but every Games Workshop fan knows that the bloodsuckers should be the big (bloody) kahuna burgers of all the undead. They are without doubt undead like a boss in every way... or at least should be (imagine Bill Nighy playing his Vampire Lord from Evolution but in Shaun of the Dead and you'd get it - zombies = bitches.)
If I may be so bold, may I recommend a few 'Real' Vampire works:
Book wise, please check out the original Bram Stokers Dracula and Stephen Kings 'Salems Lot.' Both are a little tricky to get into but well worth persevering with.
Movies - 'John Carpenters Vampires' is excellent as is 'Near Dark' (although a little different) and if you want a real laugh check out 'From dusk til Dawn.' The HBO series 'True Blood' is also entertaining and far, far better than the dross of the books that inspired it. The anime 'Vampire Hunter D' stands head and shoulders above most movies but is not for the squeamish. '30 days of night' and the Blade Trilogy also translate well from comics to silver screen.
If games are your thing, the re-imaging of Castlevania (Lord of Shadows) is amazing and features some top voice acting - Patrick Stewart is in there but Robert Carlyle knocks it out of the park, again.
Apologies for the unoriginality of my first blog attempt but I wanted to pick topic that would inspire some reaction from most people... either love or hate in this instance. I think , most Twilight fans would admit - RPatz has a lot to account for.
Lets just make one thing clear - I'm not jealous of that sexy, rich bastard. Not one bite. I mean bit!
*By other non-chess club members, obviously.
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