Blogatron vs Women in Video Games

While deciding on what topic to mouth off on next I decided to keep things relatively relevant and combine two things together - one subject that I know quite a bit about... the other it can be argued I know nothing of. At least if you look at it from the perspective that knowing something and understanding it can be completely different. 

The subject I know about is Video games (specifically their history and how to play them - how they are created is obviously by magic), the other: Women. 

It has been a recent, often hotly debated topic about women's roles in video games and I just wanted felt the need to expunge my thoughts on the matter.  Firstly, a little perspective I feel is needed - I want to hold my hand up and say that even at my ripe old age I am still willing to admit I am learning. I have a reputation among friends and acquaintances for having a certain level of vocabulary and understanding of English which makes this confession all the more straining. It was literally only the other day I actually found out what the word 'Feminism' meant: 

'The advocacy of women’s rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes.' 

It turns out that my entire upbringing and education had somehow replaced the true definition with that of Misandry: 

'Dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against men (i.e. the male sex).' 

A rather shocking and embarrassing misunderstanding on my part admittedly but one I am happy to share. The reason I add this is so that you are aware that this blog is written from a point of view of a man who didn't think much of the label 'feminist' prior to the previous months but now appreciates it is a term that actually encapsulates most of his beliefs. 

Over the last year there have been a number of flashpoints that have seen this topic explode in the news, from Gamergate where allegations were made of a female game developer, Zoe Quinn having an affair with a Journalist from a prominent gaming website prompting better scores for her game. Leading on from that has been the extreme reaction to Anita Sarkeesian and her features on Tropes vs Women in video games where she discusses certain apparent stereotyping. This blog isn't on these individual cases but if you have the time and inclination, it is well worth checking them out. The level of pure hatred and animosity directed at these two women is nothing short of spectacular, in the worst conceivable way: 

'You have 24 hours to cancel Sarkeesian’s talk … Anita Sarkeesian is everything wrong with the feminist woman, and she is going to die screaming like the craven little whore that she is if you let her come to USU. I will write my manifesto in her spilled blood, and you will all bear witness to what feminist lies and poison have done to the men of America.' 

One of many threats made in regards to Sarkeesians scheduled talks at Utah State University. 

I'm certain I could run out of internet writing about all that is wrong with that. The whole case is rather savage and also borders on the ridiculous with the talks being cancelled because Utah State University was not able to guarantee Sarkeesians safety since they are not allowed to search people for concealed guns if they have a permit in accordance to state laws. Just let me clarify; they get threats like this:

“I have at my disposal a semi-automatic rifle, multiple pistols, and a collection of pipe bombs,” the letter said. “This will be the deadliest school shooting in American history and I’m giving you a chance to stop it.” 

And they couldn't make any adjustments or offer any protection (in a place of learning) because of the law...

That's a whole other blog for another time...

I’d now like to flip things a little and talk about my views which hopefully will lead to a little more lightheartedness. 

I am both slightly proud and embarrassed to classify myself as old-time gamer. That is to say I have actually played the original version of Pong, witnessed the spectacle of the Sinclair Spectrum firsthand (I had a +3 because Cassettes were for dinosaurs!), sat on the fence while Sega and Nintendo played the beat-your-neighbour-out of-doors and followed emergence of Sony and Microsoft and their rise to dominance as the gamers choice of consoles in more recent generations. So called exponents of the PC 'Master-Race' sit down - I find that chosen nick-name abhorrent. I've done my fair share of computer gaming and still can't look at a PC game without shuddering and breaking out in cold sweat. If you spent half your teenage years trying to configure your sound card you will understand. 

Looking back at those many years of gaming I can honestly say that historically it hasn't referenced women in a particularly wonderful way. In the early days games just seemed to miss women out completely. I pride myself on my memory and can only think of one original game pre-Sega Megadrive that featured women in it (the rather contrived 'Mrs Pacman'). This isn't something I see as misogynistic - I think there were probably quantifiable reasons for it. Gaming was in it's infancy, relatively niche and seen very much as 'nerd culture.' It was a hobby boys did in there room, usually on their own and kept quiet about. Sound like anything else? 

 Seriously - this was a genuine Sega Advert! And not the worst one by a mile!

People were a little ashamed and rarely confessed themselves to be gaming geeks. The introduction of licensed games further focused on male specifics - Robocop, Back to the Future, Ghostbusters etc can all be argued were aimed squarely at the blokes out there - I'm sure Freudian followers would have something to say about the 'Busters Proton wands being waved around and 'Crossing the streams' but I can safely say I watched it for the spirit (pun intended) it invoked and my love of the cast, not my love of pseudo metaphysical dick. 

So it appears it was a barren wasteland for women in Videogames, with most appearances being relegated to the focus (Sarkeesian would possibly argue 'object') of quests.  They were the primary reason for the protagonist to head off and beat up monsters, gangs, monstrous gangs and even gods. Not exactly engrained, intricate character development but technically still integral to the plot.  Or, just an excuse to beat up those pesky monsters and gangs?  Tomb Raider introduced us to our first, fully fleshed out female protagonist in the form/shape/polygons of Lara Croft.  She was a capable, likeable character but in the early days what was the standout memory of her?  The fact that the gaming world seemingly went crazy trying to input cheat codes to get her in the buff! So the gaming world did want a strong female protagonist to develop women's roles in games... as long as she was naked...

Tomb Raider: Lara vs Pythagoras.

There are however a couple of defence items I would like to level in regards to women in video games.  The first being that the very early years I mention gaming was like us men - horrendously simple. Games were about driving fast, beating people up, jumping from platforms and shooting stuff. Pretty much because of the limitation of technology; I didn't play Chase HQ for character development or its twisting, weaving story. It was just some very basic wish fulfillment, aimed mainly at boys because... well come on girls, check out the screenshot below and tell me honestly if it gets the juices flowing?

 Chase HQ. 3 Colours of awesome and STILL the reason I want a Porsche 928

A lot of criticism of the way women are portrayed in games has been approached from an incredibly shortsighted perspective. Often the sensationalist approach to these subjects has completely missed the true shortfall of the situation to focus on the extreme examples. It seems that people are aware of how en vogue it is to be a feminist and try and aim a few kicks into the video game sector where they can.  A truly fantastic example of taking two contentious, thought provoking topics and throwing them together to make online noise is Colin Campbells opinion piece on prominent Gaming website Polygon.   He focuses on the aspect of killing Prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto 5 and misses out the whole point is that you pretty much can kill everyone of any chosen career path, regardless of sex - it really isn't fussy.  Strangely enough, there is never a moment where the game forces you to kill a sex worker, but you do have to blow up the CEO of the Games' parody of Facebook on live television... which is terrible... I was only just thinking the other day about the unfair treatment of Multi-Billionaire Social Media Moguls in games. Erik Kain writing on Forbes decries the absurdity of Campbells piece as well as addressing the sensationalism. On top of this he offers constructive criticism on how GTA 5 could address a number of its shortcomings in this area in a blog well worth reading as a comparative piece.

One of Sarkeesians points is the women that do appear in games are just seemingly tacked on to the end, an award for completing the challenge set before you.  She cites the legendary Super Mario series as a culprit in this.  The Princess is kidnapped and provides the motivation for the entire game as you race from castle to castle to save her.  I also note she has been constructive in her support for Irrational Games 'BioShock: Infinite' about the capabilities of the woman (Elizabeth) who acts as a guide and supports your character as the game progresses.' The games story is simply incredible and it is one of my favourite games of all time, with a large portion of that being accountable to Elizabeth alone. Sarkeesian does seem to miss the fact that before Elizabeth can assist you as the player, you have to save her.  From a tower. Fancy that. 

In all honesty, this is exactly what critics of this subject tend to do.  That is a snapshot of a game that take 15 hours to play through and framed at a certain angle proves my point.  Much like certain clips Sarkeesian shows of games treating women poorly, like Red Dead Redemption; a game set in 1912 in the still very much Wild West where if history tells us anything it probably wasn't much fun - especially if you were a woman.  Very prominent is the image of the anti-hero John Marston carrying a bound woman on horseback but it's never put into context or discussed that one of the female characters (who owns a massive Ranch) saves your life and is a staunch ally when needed throughout the game.

I'm not defending Rockstar and I'm not bashing Sarkeesian, I think she has brought attention and focus on a subject that does need improvement. I'm not sure that everything is quite as bad as it's made out to be and I would question some of her arguments and examples.  That is a good thing though, prompting people to think about a subject that has become more and more relevant as the appeal of video games has broadened.

Just to try and take this full circle, when I started this blog I said that the definition of feminism was one I held to most of my beliefs.  I do believe in equality of the sexes - to a point.  I also think that precious things are worth protecting and it is my (arguably) old fashioned belief that this applies to women.  Wanting to protect and help should have no detriment or bearing on how capable the person is, simply on whether they are deserving of protecting. I fully understand how women's capabilities might be undermined by the tropes on display in certain video games but would hate to think that to supplant them means sacrificing their worth. This should be true of everyone, but especially women.  Little things like holding doors open and giving up your seat for women are important parts of tradition and I would be concerned if the pro feminist movement eroded this.  It is my opinion that women are the fairer sex but by no means should be considered the weaker one.

 

Gotta catch 'em all!

Kept you waiting, huh?

It's been a while since my last blog, so my apologies for not maintaining a steady output.  I had received some incredibly kind and constructive comments that inspired me to write something with a little more narrative.  As such I have been wrestling with a few concepts in regards to telling a proper story - one that seems to flit between masquerading as a screenplay, moonlighting as a graphic novel before flinging open it's closet doors and coming out as full blown novel. 

I have read that there are two kinds of writers out there:  Firstly, the ones who can pour their minds onto paper; their ideas, concepts and imaginations just flow from the mind to the tip of the pen (or finger), ready to be mixed and formulated in a prolific paste, sculpted into coherent form and design. 

Then there is the second type of writer.  One who has to fight to extract every syllable from their imagination and meticulously plan it's positioning on the page before it's place dissolves back into the cluttered space from whence it came.  I have found that I fit very much into the latter category.  I love writing and believe I may have some interesting ideas.  Only conveying them is as easy as peeling a coconut with my eyelids.  I see what I want to achieve in my head but translating it to page is an agonising process. I have been vexed with a little misfortune such as massive chunks not saving and the eternal battle to try and fit 36 hours worth of activity into a regular working day - a problem I know besets everybody at various junctures in life. I'm not complaining, just getting my excuses in order...  

Of course, lack of motivation, willpower and an addiction to Xbox has had nothing to do with my inability to sit down and commit a few hours a week to putting pen to paper. I think we all have aspirations we feel we could and possibly should attain if  not the excuse for not finding more time. I have nothing but admiration for those who can pull themselves out of the malaise and drudgery that surrounds them and focus on an singular aspect to improve upon or commit to.

On my list of 'Stuff to excel at when you can find the time' (which I promise exists only in my head) is the following:

• Fine tune my Bass guitar skills
• Learn to play the Ukele.
• Learn to spell 'Ukulele.'
• Try and make the remaining 958 drinks from my book of 1000 cocktails.
• Speak immaculate Greek. Or German. I really can't decide.
• Voice a Transformer/Thundercat/Ninja Turtle/Any kind of cartoon character
• Become a level 75 Bard... in 'Real Life.'

It would be a little easier if I didn't have the attention span of an ADHD Goldfish (which incidentally don't actually have as poor memories as you might think - Bam! - Knowledge!) 

While looking for a source to back this up (I originally read the truth about Goldfish in a book derived from the excellent TV series IQ) I stumbled on to these two links, which I found slightly ironic considering the topic of poor memory: 

Telegraph 1 - 5 May 2009 

Telegraph 2 - 1 July 2014

Who needs a memory, or indeed recycled news when you have the internet? I think this has also highlighted my ability to get sidetracked rather excellently.  

So I have returned and have promised myself to keep this blog updated more frequently - I shall also endeavour to get this particular narrative that has been swirling about my grey matter for the last few years into a cohesive formulation of words so those who wish to read it can - I am all too aware in peoples faith in me and I have promises to keep! 

Statutory lighthearted Legal disclaimer: The author of this blog is well aware that 'trying to write some stuff' is a world apart from being an actual writer and aplogises for any perceived pretentiousness. 

Hero Worship 2: The Praisening!

The last blog I posted was very much a personal piece of hero worship, laced with the occasional self indulgent attempt and humble effort to conjoin myself into something relevant that people might like to read.

Part two however, is just a more brazen commentary on heroes in general and how they have certainly had a massive effect on me over my lifetime.  I think that the concept of what a hero is would appear to be surfing high on a crest of a wave of popular culture.  The concepts are ancient but the general uniformity of how they are being embraced is still in ascendency.

Fancy words, but what does it actually mean?

I think if I cast my mind back and delve into the murky waters (some would argue, cesspool) of my past - the embracing and emulation of larger than life heroes was at best kept at arms lengths, at worse, frowned upon.  I'm talking predominantly of the 'Super Hero' genre.  It seemed to be okay to want to emulate Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sly Stallone blowing up Germans/Terrorists/Robots/Aliens but if you wanted to dress up like Spider-man and not kill anyone then you were viewed as a maladjusted child with especially appalling taste in clothes.

Super Hero worship was the realm of geeks and nerds and if I'm brutally honest, I still don't understand why.  I have been pleased to watch that as the past decades have rolled by there has been not just acceptance of this type of hero, but an embracing of it.

Why should I care so much?  Does its acceptance somehow justify a childhood of persecution and hiding the fact you think that the buff men in spandex are really cool?  Well, I suppose it does a little... but it's much deeper than that.  The hero concept is one that has actually guided my through life, something that has inspired me, motivated me to act in a certain way. 

Now I want to draw a line under this point very quickly -  I don't think or see myself as any kind of a hero.  No way, but I have tried to carve out my own path through interpretations of what I have read and seen on page and celluloid and apply them to my behaviour and principles in life.

I think an example is best suited here.  One of the most powerful lines I have ever absorbed was written in Garth Ennis' 'The Preacher.'  This run of comic books is renowned for it's extreme violence, debauched depictions of sexual preferences as well as an incredible satire of modern religious beliefs.  The whole run is powerful, shocking and brutal. Just like real life.  The words are below, spoken to the Hero, Jessie Custer by his dad during a heartfelt moment in a flashback scene.

Thank you Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon!



For years those lines have rattled through my skull and soul and they will be the exact words I tell my little boy when he is old enough to grasp the weight of their meaning.  These words shape Custer and they have shaped me. 

Moments with true impact and resonance are few and far between in any type of media. When they surface, wherever you find them, they should be remembered for times where strength might feel lost and hope is needed. I have also found inspiration through the more classic superhero avenues.  The  Spider-man maxim 'With great power, comes great responsibility' has become somewhat of a cliché these days.  However, it was a motto I grew up with and I believe I understood its complexities at a relatively young age. Another sage piece of advice to pass on.

I found growing up there was escapism and yet a true source of power with these characters.  If you could look deep enough you'd always find connections you could apply in real life.  These characters have helped keep things in perspective for me.  Sure, they aren't real but that doesn't stop their exploits having meaning.  The themes that run throughout are sometimes much clearer to see when set against the background of super heroics. Most people will have particular standout characters that they recognise with more than others.  I know I do.  Trust me, you've not had a bad day until you've read anything that's happened to Matt Murdock (aka Daredevil) in the past 20 years.

Trust me, this is actually doing 'okay' for Daredevil...

The Japanese Manga (comics)  and anime (animation) are another source of hero worship for me. A great part of the most famous and popular examples all have a very similar set of particular themes.  Most notably, the overlying principle that protection is paramount.  Dragonball Z, Naruto, Bleach and even the legendary Fist of the North Star all have characters who marshal their strength and overcome incredible odds for the sake of protecting others.  A basic heroic tenement? Yes. But not nearly as well emphasised in Western culture as it is with the Japanese heroes.  The protection of others is sacred... and that message has been so strong I have found it has permeated my way of thinking too.  So much so I will go to incredible lengths to protect those I care about. This is something I'm very proud to say I try and fulfil - whether I always succeed is a totally different matter.

I am well aware that there is an indulgence in this type of hero worship.  There are 'true' heroes out there, everyday doing things that flabbergast me.  Some genuinely leave me awestruck and similarly make me hope that should I ever find myself in their situations I could act even a modicum of the courage, dignity and decorum as they. A few I find myself tempted to name, such is their effect on me, but that is not the nature of this blog.

It's about finding strength through an unlikely source of inspiration.  People find themselves scared much more frequently than they'd like to admit.  Fear creeps in and if we let it truly take hold and absorb us it can have life altering effects.  Not just on grand scales but in increments too.  We have no idea of the fears faced by people all the time, the strength and courage needed to challenge what the next day has in store for us.  Whether it's a job interview or that next dreaded doctors appointment there is always that fear of uncertainty.  Most people swallow these fears and the rest of us continue oblivious to any pain caused to the souls that are suffering.

I'm not preaching that I'm some sort of fear guru and emulating a few superheroes will enable you to conquer all concerns and live happily ever after.  I have been afraid though.  I have been scared past the boundaries of sense. As Mark Tremonti sings 'So you're afraid.' If you aren't scared once in a while, how is it possible to be brave? Close family and friends are invaluable too, but sometimes that inner strength needs a little internal kick-starting that can only be done by the individual.

I've no doubt that this next confession will split the readers of this blog somewhat:

There have been times, even in adult life, I have found myself facing unhappy, difficult situations and I have genuinely internally asked this question: 

'What would Optimus Prime do?'

Usually the ridiculousness of this question is alone enough to get me through whatever troubles I might be having because the answer is usually that he'd say something wise and awesome like 'Freedom is the right of sentient beings' and then stomp all over the bad guys in a way that pretty much puts every other hero to shame. Ever.  Easy when your a 30ft tall alien robot.  Still, he was always the consummate hero to me and still inspires me when I find myself searching for courage.

Optimus Prime proving that fear isn't an option if you can be wise AND pose awesomely.

Any fanboys reading want to see how this particular fight finished - scroll down.



It's not all just dealing with fear and being strong physically.   Occasionally these heroes provide relationships that unlike many films and books these days, are extremely complicated and rarely have the statutory happy ending that also proves so elusive in reality. Some in particular are so captivating and enchanting that they become similar to modern day fairy tales.  Clark Kent and Lois Lane, Wolverine and Jean Grey, Batman and the Joker (Seriously, google the theory - it makes perfect sense). They encapsulate the trials and tribulations we face daily and it's very rare we get an Eastenders level of baseness applied. There are lasting repercussions and heart wrenching losses but there is again a level on which people can connect.  It's the emotional aspects of Super Heroes that has come on furthest in recent years with the influx of very good Hero filmography.  Motion pictures like Thor and Iron Man have successfully shown romance without it just being boiled down to rescuing a damsel in distress time and time again (The X-Men movies where also excellent at redressing the status quo among the sexes, with some incredibly empowered female characters - and don't get me started on Hit-Girl from Kick Ass!)

Jean Grey and Wolverine... the most tortured, star crossed lovers in recent comic history?



To bring this blog full circle, it is a genuine pleasure to see so many heroes of mine now being accepted and being able to deliver the same messages to a much wider audience. It's a thrill to see no one complaining that Batman runs round looking like an armoured condom... just that Ben Affleck should not be wearing said protection.



This is just one small source that I feel lucky enough to draw inspiration from and would admit that for me this has been a case where looking outward has helped me see inward. I would definitely recommend taking the plunge and emotionally investing yourself in a hero or two.

Thanks again for reading!

In your face!

Hero Worship

They say 'Never meet your heroes'. I'm not particularly sure who 'they' are and what their authority is but I think I understand the gist of the notion:  Ultimately we put our heroes onto pedestals which usually brings us crashing down with disappointment when we finally get to see them for who, and in some cases, what they really are.

I had the privilege of meeting one of my heroes the other day when Neil Gaiman arrived at Ely Cathedral for a signing on his latest book; 'The Ocean at the end of the lane.'  For those of you that know me shall have to decide for themselves whether I'm the kind of person you'd expect to queue up with a thousand other fans at a fantasy writers book signing in the most famous religious building in the fens.  Even I find my presence in that statement a little incongruent.

Firstly, the book he was promoting was excellent. A couple of you have contacted me about my 'Twilight my fire' blog and mentioned a few books in related topics and I must confess that I was somewhat pleased with this. With the unrelenting technological advance of smartphones, online gaming and televisions with greater IQ's than the people who buy them I was starting to fear for the humble book. It turns out that that fear might be misplaced. There are more of us out there than I anticipated reading much more than just Faceboast updates.

So, I would recommend Gaimans latest novel, it is magical, simple yet deep and can be enjoyed on many levels, all the while brimming with imagination and energy.

Gaiman had entranced me years ago with the Sandman graphic novels, changing my concepts of what comics could be. They could be adult, bewitching and frightening and where other publications' duels were fought with fists and superpowers, the battles within the pages of Sandman were decided with wit, intelligence and slightly more abstract conflicts and concepts.

All this had me worried; this man had captured my imagination, the very way I saw life in literature - through an odd, fantastic kaleidoscope where real life, the arcane and subversive are interwoven. What if he turned out to be a grumpy bastard just churning out literature to pay his way? I believe current terminology would call this cynical process as 'doing a Bruce Willis.' What if he wasn't the man I'd always hoped had fueled my imagination and inspired my wholly non-committed attempts at trying to emulate?

As it would turn out, I needn't have worried, he was as genuine and charming as his writing. Funny, wistful and perhaps a touch melancholic. Hearing him speak and read a passage of his book was an absolute pleasure so I decided, in my own egotistical way to make sure when I took my things to get get his autograph, I would make him smile and say something to him he'd never heard at one of his signings. Something so profound, witty and astute that he would think back in days to come about 'that chap at the Cathedral' and just smile to himself and nod, probably thinking about my badass coolness.

Apart from it didn't work like that. The poor man was inundated with requests not just to sign his book but to write whole quotes of Shakespeare for some people... Three and a half hours from when his talk finished, at 00.30 we came face to face. I had three and a half hours to think of something amazing to blow Neil Gaimans beautifully odd mind with ultimate, triple distilled awesome. What did I say? Did I make a joke about how there was much more sex and violence in the queue at the last Alan Moore book signing? Did I try and reference a more obscure line from a lesser read title of his and just try and style out our conversation with casual aplomb, one weird guy to another. Nope. I said, 'Thank you very much. Do you mind if I take a photograph?

Badass coolness, eh?

As I walked, no, shuffled up to him it actually struck me. I think if I could choose a fantasy career, it would be his.  I've always wanted to write. I am just one of the many millions that keeps finding the time not to. I have lost count of the number of people that have told me I should be a writer, or just looked at me in that strange way, where they want to ask what on earth put such odd and misshapen ideas into my head but are just too polite to actually verbalise it.

Standing in front of Neil Gaiman, I have never felt more like a fake Neil Gaiman in my life.  Even down to the long hair.

                                       Never meet your heroes... you just might not measure up.

But... this blog doesn't end on that depressing note. Gaimans talk was actually very inspiring, even from his own humble viewpoint you could tell he had pushed to get where he has. Pushed himself and maybe a few other people too.  After leaving the Cathedral that warm evening I felt elated to have met him, to be reminded of what is possible if you are driven and willing to pursue your dreams. I was also reminded of the power of books, too, and have been encouraged to turn off technology a little bit more often these days and lose myself in the worlds between pages.

Someone pointed me not so long ago towards this lovely quote by Alan Bennett.  I think it is rather relevant to the whole topic of inspiration through books, authors and the connection it can create.

"The best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things - which you had thought special and particular to you. And now, here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out and taken your hand."

I had wanted to ask Neil Gaiman if he had read 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho. This was another inspirational book I have read recently (25 years late to the party), it seemed to fit in with my perceived dichotomy I was experiencing between achieving ones destiny and just forgetting you might even have one. I have been recommending The Alchemist to anyone and everyone that will listen to me and has this has completed the cycle of me falling in love with books and being inspired by the written word again. The Alchemist is a modern day fable about having the courage and conviction to follow your dreams and is a wonderfully motivating read for anyone who has ever questioned their direction and focus in life. Finishing this book and meeting Neil Gaiman made me feel very much the same way.

So in true regards to meeting your heroes, I actually found the experience exciting, inspiring and even would go so far as saying it was spiritually rewarding. So, if you get the chance - meet and embrace the people that inspire you... or read the Alchemist - there's less worry about that restraining order.

Twilight my fire: Modern Vampires suck... my balls

Okay, so this is my first official blog about something that isn't about video games or me pleading to people to read this blog so I thought I'd pick a subject that most people would have an opinion on:

Modern Vampires. Or more specifically, and excuse the horrible overblown cliches... why they blow.

Hang on, did I get that wrong?

This blog will, for the most part separate you into two, very distinct groups: Those with ovaries and those without.

So this is inspired by the insepid 'Twilight' that currently happens to be stinking up the television as I write. Actually, its more about the awful legacy of the books and films than the actual 'product' itself... whole generations are being fed a convoluted pile of rancid Vampire misnomers. In truth, I am not sure where to begin... shall we start with the perversion of the actual myth of the Vampire itself?

Rule #1: If Vampires are exposed to direct sunlight, they don't sparkle like a My Little Pony's nutsack... they explode... like a My little Ponies nutsack stuffed full of C4 and shot with a rocket propelled grenade. Or they will at least catch fire and burn like MJ at pre show rehearsal.

The whole point of being a kick ass killing machine that never ages, never tires is that you have to have one weakness! Sparkling in sunlight like a 12 year old girls lip gloss would have given Van Helsing BIG problems! Sparkling like 12 year old boys.. not so much (according to the graffiti I read in the Whitby public toilets back in 1893).

Rule #2: Modern Vamps are douchewads. Come on girls, if a man was to get within 3 millimeters of your face and tell you 'I love watching you sleep' I'm pretty sure you'd call the cops or even hit Blade up on speed dial. I had an ex-girlfriend who it seemed every time I woke up wasn't just looking at me... she was watching me. Even if she wasn't in the house when I fell asleep! To be fair, we weren't together long and and I never got used to see her lying above me on the ceiling, grinning maniacally. It scared the shit out of me.

Back to Vamps - spying on you when you are asleep isn't romantic, its called stalking. This is after telling you he'd quite like to eat you... and not in the good way either. Humans are Vampires main source of nourishment; can you imagine telling a potato you're going to eat it, then just get jiggy with it? (Calm down you fen boys at the back - I'm not sure 'vegetable' is technically a legitimate sexual preference) Vampires were originally almost impossible to kill badasses, with genuinely frightening powers other than the ability to play baseball really well in thunderstorms.

If being pasty and having serious problems expressing how you feel is so sexy, how come me and my boys at chess club in school never got laid?*

Adam Ant - dividing 34,657,543 by 2.7 in his head.

Blades Jared Nomak: Don't crap your pants if you see a Vampire!

I blame Cedoric Diggory... had Voldemort not done him in I'm pretty sure contract obligations would have saved us all. Ironic that 'Diggory' has the face of a spade - Pattinsons face has done more to demolish the legend of the vampire than any other modern spin on the myth - and I include Tom Cruise's portrayal of the midget vampire pixie, Lestat in 'Interview with a vampire' in that. When asked what they thought of Twilight, most girls gush: 'Rpatz is sooo dreamy!' No one ever says 'I loved the juxtaposition of an ancient creature that never ages set against a society that is constantly evolving...'

Vampires should be magical, not fanciful, menacing not romancing, there has always been a carnal side to them, of course! They fornicate and drink blood - they don't smoke around in Volvos with poorly designed boots and climb trees - that's the Swedes job! Why not go the whole hog and give the guy a Prius, a roof garden and make him a tofu salesman?

I can't help but fear for the bastardation of Vampires. I worry that in a generation they'll be fully demoted to polishing Leprechauns bell-ends and giving Hobbits Tibetan nut rubs. Zombies are now so much more en vogue than Vampires but every Games Workshop fan knows that the bloodsuckers should be the big (bloody) kahuna burgers of all the undead. They are without doubt undead like a boss in every way... or at least should be (imagine Bill Nighy playing his Vampire Lord from Evolution but in Shaun of the Dead and you'd get it - zombies = bitches.)

If I may be so bold, may I recommend a few 'Real' Vampire works:

Book wise, please check out the original Bram Stokers Dracula and Stephen Kings 'Salems Lot.' Both are a little tricky to get into but well worth persevering with.

Movies - 'John Carpenters Vampires' is excellent as is 'Near Dark' (although a little different) and if you want a real laugh check out 'From dusk til Dawn.' The HBO series 'True Blood' is also entertaining and far, far better than the dross of the books that inspired it. The anime 'Vampire Hunter D' stands head and shoulders above most movies but is not for the squeamish. '30 days of night' and the Blade Trilogy also translate well from comics to silver screen.

If games are your thing, the re-imaging of Castlevania (Lord of Shadows) is amazing and features some top voice acting - Patrick Stewart is in there but Robert Carlyle knocks it out of the park, again.

Apologies for the unoriginality of my first blog attempt but I wanted to pick  topic that would inspire some reaction from most people... either love or hate in this instance. I think , most Twilight fans would admit - RPatz has a lot to account for.

Lets just make one thing clear - I'm not jealous of that sexy, rich bastard. Not one bite. I mean bit!




*By other non-chess club members, obviously.

Introduction and welcome!

There must be a certain ego required, for people to decide to that blogging is a legitimate way of passing the time. I'm sure that deep down, that's the reason for me creating an account on here although I shall try and convince everyone otherwise. This can be our little secret... between me and the entire internet: I am only really blogging because of a medical condition in my favoured hand has pretty much stopped me doing everything else I'd usually choose to preoccupy my time with. It's not at all because I think my inane ramblings might actually entertain anyone and hence feed my insatiable ego.

Okay, now I have convinced the world that this blog is a byproduct of a medical condition and not at all any flawed character trait of mine that craves attention I feel I can confess to having blogged a couple of times previously.

I do keep a videogame blog (incredibly sporadically) that may entertain just a few friends (or truthfully, bore them to tears - if you are feeling brave  you can check it out here) and that was started when my hands failed me a few years back. I'm reassured that keeping two blogs on the go isn't cheating though, as long as they are unrelated, share different domains and don't go to the same Pilates evening class.

Well, I think it was blogs that relates to...

Before I get too blogged down, I just wanted to say thank you for reading this far and hopefully I can entice you back once in a while with my random musings. I shall try and cover a multitude of topics and hopefully even be a little entertaining.

If you would like to know a little bit more about me, well this should be linked to google+ and you can find me on faceboast and tw@tter (@AlAndrews15).

See you around, hopefully!

Perhaps I should leave a footnote to admit as much as I would love to believe I shall have 34 billion followers within a week... I am a realist; I know it's going to be a paltry couple of mill... or maybe even just a few friends who check in to see if I've accidentally said something I really shouldn't have - I am a believer in that lines are meant to be crossed!